Behind The Illness

This will be open frank post, I need to be honest as so many times people see pictures on instagram think you life is great or somewhat together. When really for me the pics above is true representation of me, however you cannot see the hot water that is beside me. Being in constant pain, everything tires me out, the dining out pics I have on instagram afterwards I get home I am exhausted, usually nap. With different health problems that's going on besides the norm, I go onto facebook to have my moan, then I see another person is pregnant and part of me is sadden, I be turning 30 this year and making me reflect even more, I wanted of achieved so much for myself, motherhood, a career, a home I bought. None of them I have achieved and does get me down, no one congratulates you for getting up each day, living on through the pain, so many times when I have seizures I ask can you take me now, so I don't have to suffer anymore, however it does strengthens me. And I completely understand I'm in no means in worse case scenario, I'm not dying or anything like that.

Just don't want to be invisible just like my illness is, will continue to be inspired to those who keep fighting, achieving their goals regardless of the struggle. I hope one day I can inspire somebody.

Honestly hitting the post button making me somewhat anxious will anyone even read this, or comment, as open myself. However someone out there might be feeling the same or similar, just know you not alone, hugs. x

PS- Yes I do snuggle with a teddy.

Coming Or Going

My presence online hasn't been much as normal, can't say my life has been crazy hectic that's why, however just been ill a lot recently with other things, nothing life threatening don't worry, no "don't cry for me Argentina" moments. And if I'm honest my mood is like don't know if I am coming or going. My confidence as whole, self doubting myself hugely, but at the same time still determined, strange, right. I started this blog as wanted outlet for myself, somewhere I could escape, distraction and to put forward portfolio of me. I've been hesitate to blog because feel myself prejudging so much, instead of just letting it be. As they say we are our biggest critic. I needed to do this blog post as it's cathartic, yes my confidence is low, but it's working progress, however still don't take for granted the support I have, as too many times we see the perfect imagery of people's lives, with me I want to be open, whether it's me in my hospital gown, having a moan, or celebrating the good times, for me I want to be diverse.

The picture above taken when I was in Folkstone, just how my mood is the tide coming in and out, symbolises the mood, also the beauty of the sea, seeing beauty within yourself, wow, deep, not taken my antibiotics yet so I'm not trippy, haha.

Hows your mood?

Rainy Days

Off days on days it can be all haze for me a lot of the times, but even on off day it's drizzling with rain, the sounds of droplets hitting the ground, the smell of dampness, hair going frizzy from the rain, you looking a mess, but just for moment you pause and take in your surroundings, it's quiet and the rain feels like the mood you in just want to pour out, rainy days.....

Failure. Tough On Myself

I've been missing in the blogsphere, not posted, hardly read any blogs. It's been a tough month. Just every time I go to blog I either get really emotional just shut off the blog as it reminds me of dear person that passed away who always loved my blog posts, click here to read my previous post explaining.
Wanted to do outfit of the day posts but all the pics taken I looked fat, my face round chubby, just having issues with myself. So that was a no no..

I am going to be real honest, I feel like a failure at the moment, sometimes I feel defeated like my illness is winning consuming me. My achievements these days is able to wash my own hair myself, that's bonus for me. I hate how my emotions can be real intense, erratic, emotional mess when problem arises. Amongst other things but we be here all day, ain't nobody got time for that. You know how some people can be tough on themselves, well I am one those people, if you not guessed already , hehe.

Are you hard on yourself? let me know
If you got some encouraging things to say that be much appreciated ;)

Portrait Of Life

Living with chronic illnesses is draining mentally and physically. Often wishing I could just switch it off, have peace. I can't remember last time I've been to social event. That's why I can't exactly blog about events or social things as truth be told I don't go out. So I concentrate on what I can do, my little platform of creativity.

Hope you like my little photography, and I finally have camera to play around with as you can see, an old camera that was given to me but still in good working condition so yay.

PS- Note I am not fishing for oh poor you, just you to enjoy the pics. xx

Natural Tears. It's Okay To Cry.

Looking and just watching the world go by, seasons past and I am still stuck here. Isolated long periods of time, I know people will just say oh just go out etc problem is not that simple A. I can't travel/go out alone due to my health B. I don't really have many people to depend on.

Art/writing keeps me sane, also try not to cut myself out from the world completely as it can be easy to just shut off, keeping relationships with people is important. However sometimes I need time away from the internet etc just to gather my thoughts.

So I am going to hug myself like a loony and continue listening to my music, having my own private party (not the dirty kind with stripper dance eh no).

PS- It's my drawing.

Dear Open Diary

In these last couple of months life has thrown me back and not in good way. I had plans on doing certain things however couldn't due to my unpredictable health. Even now I find myself feeling left out as I just don't have the energy and I still have underlining health issues that seems to be still a mystery besides my fibro etc obviously. I even find myself more awkward as I feel like I don't have much to contribute to a conversation. Might not be going on holiday every minute heck not been on one for years now, or go to festivals/gigs etc.. However I have good heart and like to think I'm there if you need me.

The point is as upsetting as it is to miss out on social gatherings (friends/bloggers meet up/events) it's something out of my hands, but I will say this don't forget sick people like to have fun too you know. I won't lie I do find myself getting upset, just simple thing like a hug would of helped me somewhat but you know just get on with it. 

Reason I picked this photo is because the sky is something I always look at, spend periods of time just looking at the sky, also I felt content when I took this picture, snapshot of a memory I like to look back on. Oh by the way this picture hasn't been photoshopped or anything, naturally turned out like this, beautiful isn't it.

Sorry if there wasn't a beginning, middle and an end properly, and that's all other the place, I am bit of a scatter brain, however I just wanted to express myself hence the title dear open diary, as I am sharing with you. How many others feel the same? or perhaps you always working so you miss out on things? Or you live to far from everything and can't get to places.....

Would love to hear from others/you, and if you offering a hug I'll take it, much appreciated ;) 

x