Behind The Illness

This will be open frank post, I need to be honest as so many times people see pictures on instagram think you life is great or somewhat together. When really for me the pics above is true representation of me, however you cannot see the hot water that is beside me. Being in constant pain, everything tires me out, the dining out pics I have on instagram afterwards I get home I am exhausted, usually nap. With different health problems that's going on besides the norm, I go onto facebook to have my moan, then I see another person is pregnant and part of me is sadden, I be turning 30 this year and making me reflect even more, I wanted of achieved so much for myself, motherhood, a career, a home I bought. None of them I have achieved and does get me down, no one congratulates you for getting up each day, living on through the pain, so many times when I have seizures I ask can you take me now, so I don't have to suffer anymore, however it does strengthens me. And I completely understand I'm in no means in worse case scenario, I'm not dying or anything like that.

Just don't want to be invisible just like my illness is, will continue to be inspired to those who keep fighting, achieving their goals regardless of the struggle. I hope one day I can inspire somebody.

Honestly hitting the post button making me somewhat anxious will anyone even read this, or comment, as open myself. However someone out there might be feeling the same or similar, just know you not alone, hugs. x

PS- Yes I do snuggle with a teddy.

Coming Or Going

My presence online hasn't been much as normal, can't say my life has been crazy hectic that's why, however just been ill a lot recently with other things, nothing life threatening don't worry, no "don't cry for me Argentina" moments. And if I'm honest my mood is like don't know if I am coming or going. My confidence as whole, self doubting myself hugely, but at the same time still determined, strange, right. I started this blog as wanted outlet for myself, somewhere I could escape, distraction and to put forward portfolio of me. I've been hesitate to blog because feel myself prejudging so much, instead of just letting it be. As they say we are our biggest critic. I needed to do this blog post as it's cathartic, yes my confidence is low, but it's working progress, however still don't take for granted the support I have, as too many times we see the perfect imagery of people's lives, with me I want to be open, whether it's me in my hospital gown, having a moan, or celebrating the good times, for me I want to be diverse.

The picture above taken when I was in Folkstone, just how my mood is the tide coming in and out, symbolises the mood, also the beauty of the sea, seeing beauty within yourself, wow, deep, not taken my antibiotics yet so I'm not trippy, haha.

Hows your mood?

Again!!!!!

You must be wondering what again, what's this again about well might of notice been bit quiet recently on all my social networks. Well once again got rushed to hospital, was out with my carer somewhere, and at the end of it I had several seizures thankfully lot of first aid people around me to help. They called for ambulance my carer travelled with me. A lot of it being a blur once again.

They put me on drip and had to be admitted into hospital. Whilst in hospital boredom striked as had no phone charger, plus was so exhausted just in a haze. However did doodle when finally got tiny bit of energy. These are some I done.

I am back at home now, just resting still somewhat drained which is to be expected. But I thought I pop in so you don't forget about me.

Back Again

So once again was in hospital, for like a week, only now feeling bit more human since coming out on 15th November. After collapsing in a supermarket. Just doing bit of shopping, starting to feel dizzy told security and he got chair, but it was shopper that knew what to do got me in position and was checking my breathing called 999 (only knew to the point where told security, rest is haze, the paramedics told the doctor and it's the doctor who told me the full story). Did I mention I was on my own when this happened. Next thing in hospital after been taken by ambulance. My clothes was wearing that day was cut through both sides as nurse told me paramedics cut through one side then once in hospital the nurses cut through the other side. When coming round (alert) was attached to monitors, drip attached to me, doctor and nurse watching over me. In my head thinking I'm like what I'm here AGAIN, WTF!!!!

Excuse my glamorous self in the pics, was bored thought looking at myself might pass the time ha ha. Don't hate on hair fly away's and hospital face. I know haven't gone in detail in's out's but don't have much to spill as some things still under investigation and some things just got to live with. So can do with many hugs at the moment. 

Also want to mention can follow me on twitter @loopysos and instagram also loopysos. I know there buttons can add but as you imagine blog features not been on my list. Follow my blog would love it ;) don't forget to comment, hey.x

Dazed And Confused.

Looking through my pics I saw this one and knew straight away needed to use this one, thankfully I've not used this specific photo before on my blog. Honestly you can feel lost in this blogging community, I would love to go blogging events and events in general meet people, have that interaction. But it's difficult when you can't travel places, I don't have anyone to go can you come all the way to my area then travel to the place providing it's a train not a tube, oh and by the way if you see my eyes rolling or my breathing is funny to sit me down, make sure drink water and take meds if need be. Like really who want's to do that.

Also like Ashleigh in her blog post click here I just don't feel happy (although for me I don't truly know what happiness is, TRUE HAPPINESS), that's not to knock other emotions as there is so many. My spark my mojo for art has taken a dip AGAIN, I need a holiday regroup, different environment from the norm. Also one of my new meds is messing up my concentration, which suffered before anyway but yeah damn side effects. Before people jump on me say just go on holiday, I would go now if I could go alone even if it was just to the coast or something. Who wouldn't want to go abroad, but even all that comes with complications, ugh sigh...

I do feel like I am in catch 22, I am not disabled to where I am in wheelchair but I use crutch to walk around but standing up and walking distances is a problem, so fall into middle ground almost like lost land, can't really articulate it into words how it is, I know people with illnesses will understand where I am coming from. It's not only a physical thing but real mental game, which can just leave you dangling dazed and confused.

Really sorry if this blog post was all over the place, I just needed to express myself, this is my little outlet.

Vlog Blog

I know the quality is crap, just don't have the energy to get out my camera out, set it up etc, I just wanted to talk and express myself.

Lets chat x

Admitted Into Hospital Via A&E (Accident And Emergency for my non Brits readers)

I apologise in advance if you find these pictures disturbing however it's reality my reality.

Yes I look a mess, last thing I was worried about was make up and my hair in the midst of passing out, collapsing, can't even remember calling the ambulance, the paramedics packed my phone, some meds and door keys, locked my door for me. So I was in A&E on Wednesday afternoon 20th March 2013 didn't think nothing of it, even right up until eve/night time thought yeah going home even though I was in critical state, I could barely talk. Doctor said I think you should stay over night to monitor me, got moved to short stay bit can't remember the name as things was just haze for me, whilst there I took a turn oxygen mask on again needles monitors doctors nurses rushing around me, so by this point you may of guessed it I am not going anywhere I am staying here now. I got transferred to a ward and that became my home, all the while still thinking oh I am going home today, doctors was like Er no Lucy, really wasn't well, I even had to be glued to my bed for one whole day couldn't leave it trust me I tried it but the nurse came rushing over like get back in that bed, put the bars up so it restricted me. It amazed me how nurses showed concern stroking my hand telling me it be OK, even doctor held my hand, which is rare these days.

Cannot thank enough nurses/health care assistants work their butt off, long hours, give my hats off to them, was always good having bit of banter with them. I was prodded everywhere, needle pricked pretty much everywhere both arms and hands, back and stomach.. Tests... 7 days later I got discharged Wednesday 27th March 2013 Night time yes night time, don't ask. 

Won't bore you with details as I have rambled enough, yes Fibromyalgia flare up, severe migraine however I have other health problems which is still under investigation, I know I have been vague but if you have any questions please feel free to ask. I hope whomever is reading this is ok, if you not you can get cyber hug from me if that helps, doubt it but it's the thought that counts ;) xx

Tough Time

I know I don't have big following or anything on here or twitter etc. However I wanted to share this, as my blog is representation of me, recently I've been having unexplained collapses/pass out/black outs, and it feels my fibro has taken big hit. Even typing this taking effort and concentration, as I've had constant migraine since I collapsed outside, where bunch of strangers had to help me and call for help, the picture above is when I got rushed to hospital.

Since then I've sadly had more falls etc. Resulting in more pain on top of normal fibro pains. I am not writing this for sympathy, but more for the reason to explain why I don't talk as much online, or why i'm MIA for periods of times, as you should know I like to chat by now. So not blanking any body, my words may come out funny, as my head is cloudy, and if somebody told me the sky is yellow I would believe them, that's how foggy my brain is at times.

Thank you to those who have asked me how I am, the support my loved ones have shown <3

Will try to keep you updated.

Hope you are well, looking after yourselves. Let me know what you been up to?!
xx

End Of The Year. Random But Short!!

I won't be doing New Year Resolution's post, as I feel my life is forever changing, whether it's me having less anxiety, less falls, less flare ups more flare ups. Accepting more and more of my condition (fibromyalgia), working around it, knowing that my depression can be handled or at least not to take it to that next level of suicide. Being more open, if you was to talk to my family& friends they would tell you I am strong person, so I shall try to embrace compliments. Ideally of course I would like to be slim, but that takes time, and to be honest there isn't a rush for it, my health comes first meaning I have to work around my illness. Also in my defense I gained a lot of weight because of the treatment (meds) I had, thankfully not on them any more, I am on different medication. Ok this sounds a bit like New Year Resolutions opps, haha.

Little steps for others have been my biggest steps for me. Whether 2012 is better or is the same as 2011 I am just grateful I can step out my front door, get out of my own bed without needing help. Able to do the little things when I can.

For any body reading this, appreciate what you have, not what you going to gain.

Lots of Love
Lucy
xx