Dazed And Confused.

Looking through my pics I saw this one and knew straight away needed to use this one, thankfully I've not used this specific photo before on my blog. Honestly you can feel lost in this blogging community, I would love to go blogging events and events in general meet people, have that interaction. But it's difficult when you can't travel places, I don't have anyone to go can you come all the way to my area then travel to the place providing it's a train not a tube, oh and by the way if you see my eyes rolling or my breathing is funny to sit me down, make sure drink water and take meds if need be. Like really who want's to do that.

Also like Ashleigh in her blog post click here I just don't feel happy (although for me I don't truly know what happiness is, TRUE HAPPINESS), that's not to knock other emotions as there is so many. My spark my mojo for art has taken a dip AGAIN, I need a holiday regroup, different environment from the norm. Also one of my new meds is messing up my concentration, which suffered before anyway but yeah damn side effects. Before people jump on me say just go on holiday, I would go now if I could go alone even if it was just to the coast or something. Who wouldn't want to go abroad, but even all that comes with complications, ugh sigh...

I do feel like I am in catch 22, I am not disabled to where I am in wheelchair but I use crutch to walk around but standing up and walking distances is a problem, so fall into middle ground almost like lost land, can't really articulate it into words how it is, I know people with illnesses will understand where I am coming from. It's not only a physical thing but real mental game, which can just leave you dangling dazed and confused.

Really sorry if this blog post was all over the place, I just needed to express myself, this is my little outlet.

Failure. Tough On Myself

I've been missing in the blogsphere, not posted, hardly read any blogs. It's been a tough month. Just every time I go to blog I either get really emotional just shut off the blog as it reminds me of dear person that passed away who always loved my blog posts, click here to read my previous post explaining.
Wanted to do outfit of the day posts but all the pics taken I looked fat, my face round chubby, just having issues with myself. So that was a no no..

I am going to be real honest, I feel like a failure at the moment, sometimes I feel defeated like my illness is winning consuming me. My achievements these days is able to wash my own hair myself, that's bonus for me. I hate how my emotions can be real intense, erratic, emotional mess when problem arises. Amongst other things but we be here all day, ain't nobody got time for that. You know how some people can be tough on themselves, well I am one those people, if you not guessed already , hehe.

Are you hard on yourself? let me know
If you got some encouraging things to say that be much appreciated ;)

Admitted Into Hospital Via A&E (Accident And Emergency for my non Brits readers)

I apologise in advance if you find these pictures disturbing however it's reality my reality.

Yes I look a mess, last thing I was worried about was make up and my hair in the midst of passing out, collapsing, can't even remember calling the ambulance, the paramedics packed my phone, some meds and door keys, locked my door for me. So I was in A&E on Wednesday afternoon 20th March 2013 didn't think nothing of it, even right up until eve/night time thought yeah going home even though I was in critical state, I could barely talk. Doctor said I think you should stay over night to monitor me, got moved to short stay bit can't remember the name as things was just haze for me, whilst there I took a turn oxygen mask on again needles monitors doctors nurses rushing around me, so by this point you may of guessed it I am not going anywhere I am staying here now. I got transferred to a ward and that became my home, all the while still thinking oh I am going home today, doctors was like Er no Lucy, really wasn't well, I even had to be glued to my bed for one whole day couldn't leave it trust me I tried it but the nurse came rushing over like get back in that bed, put the bars up so it restricted me. It amazed me how nurses showed concern stroking my hand telling me it be OK, even doctor held my hand, which is rare these days.

Cannot thank enough nurses/health care assistants work their butt off, long hours, give my hats off to them, was always good having bit of banter with them. I was prodded everywhere, needle pricked pretty much everywhere both arms and hands, back and stomach.. Tests... 7 days later I got discharged Wednesday 27th March 2013 Night time yes night time, don't ask. 

Won't bore you with details as I have rambled enough, yes Fibromyalgia flare up, severe migraine however I have other health problems which is still under investigation, I know I have been vague but if you have any questions please feel free to ask. I hope whomever is reading this is ok, if you not you can get cyber hug from me if that helps, doubt it but it's the thought that counts ;) xx

Portrait Of Life

Living with chronic illnesses is draining mentally and physically. Often wishing I could just switch it off, have peace. I can't remember last time I've been to social event. That's why I can't exactly blog about events or social things as truth be told I don't go out. So I concentrate on what I can do, my little platform of creativity.

Hope you like my little photography, and I finally have camera to play around with as you can see, an old camera that was given to me but still in good working condition so yay.

PS- Note I am not fishing for oh poor you, just you to enjoy the pics. xx

Going Back To Art

Hello sorry for lack of posts, I know I am broken record sorry.. Recently I done painting for my Mums birthday, I thought it make a great gift as my Mum always badgers me about me going back to art, I've not painted to this scale since uni days and that was many moons ago. So what better time to paint, my Mum instantly smiled when she opened it and saw it. Took me some time to do it, I forgot how long the process can be, however this is what I am about, once I put on my shirt, as I have particular one, that's it the artist comes out, focused.

The painting is a metamorphosis, reflection of life, metaphor. My Mum loves butterflies she even has a tattoo of one on her arm. So what better way to illustrate it in a painting, demonstrating changes, growth and beauty.

What do you think of the painting? Would you want me to paint for you?
Be gentle with me, I am some what out of practice painting on canvas, so I am tiny bit rusty.

Medium used for this painting: Acrylic

End Of The Year. Random But Short!!

I won't be doing New Year Resolution's post, as I feel my life is forever changing, whether it's me having less anxiety, less falls, less flare ups more flare ups. Accepting more and more of my condition (fibromyalgia), working around it, knowing that my depression can be handled or at least not to take it to that next level of suicide. Being more open, if you was to talk to my family& friends they would tell you I am strong person, so I shall try to embrace compliments. Ideally of course I would like to be slim, but that takes time, and to be honest there isn't a rush for it, my health comes first meaning I have to work around my illness. Also in my defense I gained a lot of weight because of the treatment (meds) I had, thankfully not on them any more, I am on different medication. Ok this sounds a bit like New Year Resolutions opps, haha.

Little steps for others have been my biggest steps for me. Whether 2012 is better or is the same as 2011 I am just grateful I can step out my front door, get out of my own bed without needing help. Able to do the little things when I can.

For any body reading this, appreciate what you have, not what you going to gain.

Lots of Love
Lucy
xx